I was about six when the Vietnam war was in full swing.  I recall that 
my mother bought me a few float toys for my bath.  That was my first 
introduction to the Swift Boat.  Since that time, I have learned one 
thing in life: Don't Mess With the Swift Boat.

You see there were a large number of toys in my bath, but the Swift 
Boat was my first and preferred weapon of tub warfare.  All other floaty 
toys trembled in horror as the Swift Boat and her crew cruised around 
and around looking to pick a fight.  As I recall, my particular toy had a 
wind-up propeller and a very bad captain who perpetually steered the 
boat in a circle until the toy ran out of steam or capsized.  As such, I 
didn't use the automatic pilot   for the sake of the crew.

I had other toys who served with distinction in the tub of death.  
There was the wooden spoon my mother gave me.  I liked to watch it float.  
If any of the other toys got out of line   Wack!  The spoon would spank 
some sense into them.  I also had the traditional yellow duck.  He was 
also made of wood and seemed to be water logged causing him to lean 
hardily to one side.  Despite his obvious wounded condition, he fought on, 
and he fought valiantly.

I also had about six plastic soldiers assigned to water duty.  I guess 
this made them Marines.  They floated real nice.

Of course, there were enemy toys as well.  Most of them were invisible, 
but they had a weapon of mass destruction called the VWWR, or Very Wet 
Wash Rag.  In an instant the VWWR could wreck havoc on anything or 
anybody within its soaking wet grasp.  With every strike, it would take 
down almost every soldier, duck and spoon to their watery graves.  If it 
wasn't for "do-overs" and miracle rescues from on high, the good guys 
would never have stood a chance.

It was under these extreme circumstances that the Swift Boat was 
introduced to the Tides of Tub.  Almost instantly, the VWWR was used by the 
enemy to test the sea-worthiness of the Swift Boat vessel.  The VWWR was 
no match for the boat that stayed aloft from almost every angle of 
attack.

Other enemy combatants such as the soap-on-a-rope and the evil Shampoo 
Bottle were also defeated in head-to-head combat.  Everything was 
looking good for the Swift Boat until one of the good-guys broke rank and 
turned against the Swiftees.

It was the wooden spoon.  You almost could have guessed it.  I never 
really trusted Spoony.

With one solid slap, the Swift Boat started taking on water.  Soon the 
gunner position was smashed and it looked as if the boat and her crew 
were doomed, but just then, the automatic propellor engaged taking the 
Swift Boat and her crew out of harms way.

Spoony was defeated and the fine crew of the Swift Boat lived to float 
another mission.  That mission would have come too, but my mother 
insisted that my fingers would fall off if they got any more shriveled.
What a shame.  It was a monumental moment that I would think of fondly 
as I put my head on my pillow that night.  It was that moment that all 
Swiftees of all backgrounds and persuasions earned my heart-felt 
respect.  Any one who could withstand both the Very Wet Wash Rag and Spoony 
deserved all the accolades that could be given.

Many years later, I am still of that belief.