I have seen too many “doors off hinges” to know that the disciplining of a teenager has limited impact on behavior change. By the time children reach their teenage years, if they haven’t internalized why it is important to dress modestly, avoid the trappings of early sexual activity and make education a priority, there is little that can be done to slow down the train of immorality.

In this issue, we attempt to address modest alternatives in dress standards; however, the greatest tools parents can use with children in making modesty a priority is to teach them young and set a very good example. In working with the youth over the last twenty years, I have been amazed that many parents are shocked when their teens become sexually active at a young age, when all along, their teens have been dressing as if they are going bar hopping on a Friday night.

In some cases, if you observe carefully, you can actually see encouragement of children by parents to dress immodestly. Certainly, few parents would admit to such an endorsement, however, these same parents subscribe to the latest women’s fashion magazines, shop at only the brand-name stores and praise the beauty of models who live by an entirely different standard. Consider for a moment just one of the tacit endorsements of immodesty, the print media.

As I was waiting for a haircut a few weeks ago, I decided to see if I could find a modestly dressed woman within a popular fashion magazine. Despite earnest efforts, the only person found dressing modestly was the publisher, who was well into her sixties and was dressed professionally. Without exception, there were few, if any, true examples of modest dress in this popular woman’s publication. On the flip side, there were literally hundreds of endorsements for sleeveless, strapless, backless, brainless, and moralless, attire. Missing of course was the less popular “sinless” line of clothing. So when a mother devours such a magazine, what is the endorsement to her daughters? What is the message to her sons?

But let’s not stop at moms. Dads share the blame too. How many fathers gawk at seductive TV commercials during sporting events or speak inappropriately about the attractiveness of a woman on a magazine cover or within the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated? How many men flirt unintentionally with an immodestly dressed attractive woman at a grocery store or even at the hair salon? These are all endorsements for another choice in lifestyle. If mom has all the latest fashion magazines and dad is flirting with the hair stylist, what is the child observing? What is the child learning? Here is the equation: dad + immodesty + attraction  = attention, or mom + magazine + immodesty = attention.

Certainly, none of us live in a box and we don’t want to become so isolated that we head for the hills out of fear that our children will become corrupted, but if we are to follow the teachings of Christ, we should be in the world, not of the world. That means having a higher standard and being aware of how we act and what we do in front of our young children.

When our oldest daughter was only six years old, I recall my wife going through a fashion magazine and laughing at the immodest girls. She then had my daughter cut out all of the pretty girls (those dressed modestly). She has played many such games with my children. It is not uncommon that my son is the first to speak when either of my daughters appear out of their rooms dressed in shorts that are a tad too short or a dress that doesn’t cover everything it should. Likewise, my daughters, though they are always pushing the boundaries, are quick to change the minute they are called to account. Interestingly, they never complain too much because they already know what the standard is of the house.

Similarly, as we are out shopping or about town, we regularly comment on those dressed nicely who are modest. We praise them in front of our children. As to those dressed in the alternative, we either ignore them entirely, or laugh at their lame attempts at trying to be super-models.  Perhaps the cynicism isn’t always kind, but if a person wants to dress for attention, they cannot complain when they get that attention. Of course, our cynicism is always discrete – at least until my four-year old decides to point and laugh.

There is another cancer that needs to be ferreted out in conservative households and that is the false modesty of covering, but revealing everything. In short, covering the skin is only half the battle, the other half is avoiding seduction. Good girls from good homes often compromise in choosing modest clothing, by choosing those outfits that are significantly form fitting. If clothing reveals every curve and bump in great detail, then why worry about exposing what has become exposed by suggestion. This is not to say that having a figure is against the rules, because it is not, however, wearing the tightest t-shirt on the shelf is not modest. It is a cheating justification.

At the root of immodest apparel is the desire to attract. One has to wonder who exactly a ten year old girl is intending to attract? Who is it that a sixteen year old girl is trying to attract? In this era of date-rape and teen pregnancy, it seems the “attraction” should be fended off at least until the senior year in high school. Until then, children should be active in social events, but not those that encourage pairing off into couples. If a child is dressing up to attract someone at the age of twelve, that child is in for a rude awakening at age 16. You can only “ramp-up” for so long in fashion and behavior until you begin to engage in truly adult activities.

When a person is a senior in high school, their dress and behavior should start to attract others of the opposite sex as they are starting to engage in the type of social interaction that will ultimately lead to marriage and pro-creation. The time of courting is about two to three years. If that behavior is initiated at twelve, just where do parents believe their children are going to end up?

Learning modesty at a young age is imperative and delaying dress that is arousing to the other gender until late in high school will only avoid tremendous heartbreak and agony. Modesty has its own reward, but it is delayed gratification. When a person has avoided the trappings of premature sexual activity, sexually transmitted diseases, guilt, unwanted pregnancies, teenage marriage, divorce, child custody disputes and the like, they can look back after many years and see the real blessings of following this good counsel. Parents can and must help. Even if one child has gone astray in the modesty category, no one has given carte blanche to the entire family. Continued reinforcement of younger children might not only protect them, but such a good example might even correct the behavior of an older child.